1. There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mihail is going to walk.
2. When Mihail goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
3. Mihail can speak braille.
4. Whenever Mihail plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he’s not some sissy who can’t climb up a plastic slide.
5. Mihail does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Mihail goes killing.
6. Superman owns a pair of Mihail pajamas.
7. Mihail does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
8. If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Mihail says its beef, then it’s beef.
9. Mihail can slam revolving doors.
10. Mihail does not sleep. He waits.
11. Mihail was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
12. Mihail once stated that he “doesn’t wail on sissy boys.” This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Mihail was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on.
13. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Mihail.
14. Mihail beat a wall at tennis. Yes. A WALL.
15. Mihail is allergic to doorknobs. Thats why he can only kick through doors.
16. Mihail and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
17. World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mihail ate Kobayashi.
18. Giraffes were created when Mihail uppercutted a horse.
19. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Mihail can kill 100 percent of whatever the heck he wants.
20. Mihail can delete the Recycling Bin.
21. Mihail’s dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Mihail will not take crap from anyone.
22. Mihail’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Mihail.
23. On his birthday, Mihail randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
24. On a high school math test, Mihail put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Mihail solves all his problems with Violence.
25. Mihail once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
26. Mihail was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
27. The last man who made eye contact with Mihail was Ray Charles.
28. Mihail destroyed the periodic table, saying Mihail only recognizes the element of surprise.
29. Mihail died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
30. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mihail’s basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
31. Mihail has beat the crap out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
32. When Mihail gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
33. Mihail can kill two stones with one bird.
34. If you play Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” backwards, you will hear Mihail laughing at you.
35. Mihail owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
36. Mihail wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.
37. Mihail can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
38. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Mihail’s house one Christmas.
39. Mihail can watch a season of “24″ in just three hours.
40. You are what you eat. That is why Mihail’s diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
41. Mihail had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow, and anywhere Mihail went the lamb was sure to go. So he killed it.
42. Mihail counted to infinity - twice.
43. Mihail puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.
44. Only once has Mihail ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.
45. Mihail once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
46. The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was finally solved when Mihail punched himself in the face.
47. When Mihail plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.
48. The popular videogame “Doom” is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Mihail and forgot to pay him back.
49. Mihail irons his shirts while he’s wearing them.
50. Getting murdered by Mihail counts as a natural cause of death.
51. Crop circles are Mihail’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
52. Mihail can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
53. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Mihail allows to live.
54. Mihail invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
55. Mihail was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
56. Mihail can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.
57. Once a cobra bit Mihail’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
58. Mihail is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
59. When Mihail deletes files from his computer, he doesn’t send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.
60. Mihail sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
61. What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals Mihail has found too chewy to eat.
62. If at first you don’t succeed, you must not be Mihail.
63. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Mihail has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
64. Mihail is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
65. Mihail used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
66. Mihail once got caught doing 100 in a 50 zone. The cop did give him a speeding ticket, however Mihail still pleads his innocence to this day, stating that he was simply out for a morning jog.
67. Mihail doesn’t have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
68. Mihail doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
69. When Mihail enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
70. Mihail has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box.
71. The only time Mihail was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
72. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Mihail could use to kill you, including the room itself.
73. Mihail sleeps with a night light. Not because Mihail is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Mihail
74. Mihail doesn’t have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Mihail.
75. The movie Ray is loosely based on the life of Mihail, only they substituted piano playing for eating toddlers, and blindness for the ability to fly.
76. Circles exist because Mihail beat the crap out of some squares.
77. If Mihail wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
78. The word “lesbian” derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as “She who has not yet been introduced to Mihail.”
79. Mihail’s blood type is WD-40.
80. Mihail always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
81. Mihail can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
82. The end result of the game “Clue” is always the same: Mihail was the murderer, it was in the orphanage, and the weapon was a hamster.
83. Mihail invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
84. Mihail is the only one who can “try this at home.”
85. Mihail is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
86. Mihail became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
87. Mihail is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
88. Mihail’s family wraps his holiday presents in lead, so he can’t see what’s in them.
89. When Mihail gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.
90. Onions do not make Mihail cry. Mihail makes onions crap themselves.
91. Mihail was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
92. Weeping Willows are a result of Mihail yelling at trees for not being tough enough.
93. Mihail played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.
94. If you haven’t seen Alien vs. Predator yet, don’t bother, Mihail wins.
95. Mihail can make a paraplegic run for his life.
96. Mihail doesn’t play “hide-and-seek.” He plays “hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you.”
97. Mihail knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).
98. Mihail does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
99. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Mihail and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
100. Mihail can tie his shoes with his feet.

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